Resting in the Arms of My Father

This past weekend I found myself sitting in a plastic chair in the midst of 104 adoptive and foster mommas, some I knew and most I didn't, having a talk with God that has been overdue for years.  I have been telling myself for a long time that the anger I was holding onto in my heart was not directed at the God I love and trust but at the sin that causes the hurts I don't understand.  I had been lying to myself. 

During one of the worship sessions at the retreat I was attending there was a time of "getting right with God".  I can't remember what song was playing during this time but what I do remember is what God spoke into my heart. 

God:  Are we going to talk about this?  It's time to let it go, Amy.  You've been angry with me long enough.

Me:  I know.  I was hoping you hadn't noticed.  It's been in the way of us, hasn't it?  I just don't understand.  You could have protected them.  They didn't have to lose all they could have been.  You could have saved them from the hurt.

God:  I am protecting them.

Me:  But why did you let the sin in this world hurt them?  It's not right.  They didn't have any part in it and they suffered because of it. 

God:  "I know the plans I have for them.  Plans to prosper them and not to harm them, plans to give them hope and a future."

Me:  I believe that, Lord.  I really do.  I just hate the sin so much.

God:  Did you forget?  You are angry with me for letting sin hurt the innocent, yet YOUR SIN IS PART OF THAT TOO.

Me:  Oh Lord, I did forget.  I'm so sorry.  Please forgive me.  It's just so much easier to blame others than to look at myself.

God:  I know you want to see justice.  I will vindicate the orphan and the oppressed.  I promise. 

Me:  I'm hanging onto that, Lord.  Thank you.

God:  There's one more thing I want you to remember.

Me:  (deep breath)

God:  When I went to the cross and died for your sin, I died for them too.  Even the ones who hurt the innocent.  I love them all.

I sat in that chair and cried so many tears that had been waiting for years to be shed.  I felt like I had just climbed up into the lap of God and was being rocked like a baby.  There was a huge weight on me I didn't even know was there until it was gone.  It was SO HEAVY.  I've been all about comforting and healing my girls and I forgot to let God do that for me.  I had let my anger get in the way. 

I don't know that I will ever understand why God allows bad thing to happen.  Not fully.  There are moments when I doubt and wonder "why Lord?" when I think about the loss of Savannah.  Why did You give her birth mother the courage to give her away for a better life and then allow her to die?  Toby & I, our kids, none of us understand totally why we didn't get to bring her home to us.  The truth is that she is living a fuller life than any of us in heaven and when we get there we will too.

I learned a new song that spoke to the hurt I had been carrying.  This part of it especially:

          And You are good, God
          For You are good to me

And when I don't understand
I will choose You
And when I don't understand
I will choose to love You, God

For me it's as simple and as hard as that.  To choose Him.  To choose love.  Especially when I don't understand.

(Here is the full version of  I Breathe You In by Katie and Bryan Torwalt if you'd like to hear the whole song.)

Really? You sure, God?

I am by nature, a private person.  I don't want to share my heart with strangers.  I'm not even sure the majority of the time if I want to share it with people I know.  I love to laugh.  I'm sarcastic.  I'm sensitive.  My idea of a heavenly day is a day ALONE.  I'm learning to be more friendly and I'm capable of carrying on a pleasant conversation with a friend and even a stranger.  I would just prefer not to.  IT WEARS ME OUT!  Not because the person I'm interacting with is in any way draining or unpleasant, I am just wired to get recharged by being alone. (Here is a link to a fun cartoon that describes introverts pretty well: http://www.fastcocreate.com/1683402/your-guide-to-interacting-with-an-introvert )

One thing I am learning is that God continually grows me by asking me to SHARE and be social.  Oh how I would love it if He would be content to grow me where I'm comfortable.  Never once have I grown in Christ without being taken somewhere unexpected, uncomfortable, and requiring steps of trust.  Faith is funny that way.  It's defined as "complete trust or confidence in someone or something".  I CRAVE closeness with my God.  I can't get it without complete trust & confidence in Him.  I trust Him the MOST when He takes me where I don't want to go, mainly because I HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO TRUST.

So where am I going with this?  Remember my last post about going private?  Well, guess what God is asking me to do?  Yep, He wants me to establish a relationship with the ENTIRE world wide web.  Oh joy....really?  He wants me to not just go back to being public but to be more REAL and VULNERABLE. ACK!!!  (I'm pretty sure that's not even a word but it sums up my feelings on God's latest requirement of me.)  I closed down the blog because our hearts were HURT.  People who say they love us, hurt us.  They took their "baggage" and whacked one of my precious children over the head with it.  This momma bear can be fierce and shut down the blog out of hurt, anger, and a desire to protect her baby.

I don't know why God is asking me to share with you.  I do know this, He wants me to trust Him with how others use it.  I can only TRUST that He will use it to bless others and for every unpleasant reaction there will be at least one whose heart will be drawn to HIM in some way.  My prayer life is going to grow, of that I am absolutely sure. 

Going Private.....

I know I have been a HORRIBLE blogger for at least a year now.  Sorry to anyone who reads this....

That being said, I have decided to go private.  In a world where most of my memories are shared online via facebook--I both love and hate that BTW--I have decided that going private on the blog may be a good idea.  I have been hesitant to post some of my more personal feelings and life events and I think knowing that ANYONE out there can read it may be part of why. 

If you read this and want to continue keeping up with our family....send me your email and I'll add you to the approved reading list.  That is JUST IN CASE I actually find the time to post anything.

Blessings! 

Wow! It's been a while......

I don't know if we have any faithful followers to our blog, but if we do I'm sorry that it has been so long since I posted anything. Life is busy. I'm sure that doesn't shock anyone. Not only do we live in a culture that encourages going and doing more than is humanly possible, but we have a large family with kids from age 2 all the way up to age 16. With so much going on, it leaves little time for writing blog posts. Toby and I are in one of the busiest seasons of our lives. Someday, too soon for my liking, the kids will leave home and we will find our schedule less full. Then I'll have very little to write about.

All of this to say that I am hoping to get back to posting family updates more regularly. I have thought about giving up the blog and just settling into life without sharing so much of it online.  I do hope that even one person might someday happen upon our blog and see that our family is not any different than theirs. We don't all look alike and we were not all born in America but God has brought us together, made us a family, and shown us how He loves us in extraordinary ways. Maybe, just maybe, someone will see this blog and it will prompt them to follow God wherever He leads them.  I promise it will be worth it if they do!

Time to Play Catch Up

It has been WAY too long since my last post and we have been busy with so many things that I am just going to update you with pictures. Besides, that's what most of you want to see anyway :).

Eliza graduated from 4 year old preschool. This means she is off the Kindergarten in the Fall. She is so ready and I am so NOT ready!

Eliza turned 5! This year her birthday included a fun party at the park with friends.

Toby's brother Dale deployed to Afghanistan for a year. Please pray for his sweet wife, Amie, and their boys. It is so hard for them all to be apart. Such a sacrifice for his whole family. We are so thankful for men and women like him and so proud of Toby's little brother!

We celebrated 4th of July at the annual town parade.

We went on a family road trip to Denver and enjoyed seeing new things and meeting new friends including families with children from Yangxi, China (where Eliza is from).

We went to the county fair and Sophia fell in love with a horse--I can so relate!

We have a few more adventures to have before school starts. This Summer seems like it is flying by way too fast!

One Year..........

Since we drove away from the care center in Addis with our precious girl.


One year of seeing this sweet girl grow and become more adventurous every day.


We are absolutely blessed by this precious gift from God.

What We've Been Up To

We've been busy making memories. Since it has been so long since I've shared new pictures and stories about our family, I'll just share some of my favorite pictures from all we've been up to.

Enjoy!

Eliza has become quite the swimmer thanks to her swim teacher, Tabor.

I got another year older.

The girls performed in a dance recital.

Emma and Faith attended their first Middle School Banquet.

We were able to visit my Mom's hometown for her birthday.

Hunger Games

I know I'm not going to make any friends writing this and will probably offend some. For that I'm sorry. Last night I saw the Hunger Games with my son. I read the first book before I went and although I couldn't put it down, I was unsure about it. I understand the author's effort to get people thinking about what violence can do to devalue life. I get the whole uprising against inhumane government thing.

My son and I both had a hard time with the graphic images of kids killing kids. In a world where kids in Africa are taken from their families and forced to kill at a young age, why are we so indifferent that we are entertained by the brutal death of children? It was not a movie that left you feeling good at the end. I had a hard time rooting for the main characters to win knowing that in order to do that, they would have to kill.

Let me just ask, have you ever seen a real life hunger game? I don't mean kids being thrown in an arena, I mean people so desperate to eat they would do ANYTHING to get food? Have you ever had to choose between life and death for yourself? What about your child? Have you ever had to choose between watching your child die from starvation or allowing them to be adopted never seeing them again? THESE CHOICES ARE BEING MADE EVERY MINUTE OF EVERY DAY.

I just can't look at this as another story on the big screen. Whether we like it or not, the more we allow ourselves to be entertained by death, the less compassionate we are. I'm glad my son didn't like the movie. I'm glad I was shocked by the images on the big screen. I hope I never find myself rejoicing in the death of children--even pretend children from a story.

It's Official!

Friday was a special day for our family. We went down to the County courthouse to attend a hearing where Sophia officially became Sophia Joy Mimi!!! Up until now, all of her paperwork referred to her as Mimi Toby. This is one of the last steps in her adoption and it feels so good!

At the hearing the judge showed incredible patience with my littles while they took over her courtroom. Sophia was so exhausted and hungry. Luckily we got some great pictures before she completely lost it and screamed all the way to the car. (Sophia lost it, not the judge) ;)

You Won't Believe......

how much our small school earned to feed children at Adami Tulu!!! Remember this post: Hats for Adami Tulu? Our little school made a goal of $3,000 which would then provide 24,000 meals for the children of Adami Tulu. I am THRILLED beyond words to share with you that they actually raised......$4,000!!!! That equals 32,000 meals! These precious children in Ethiopia will be able to attend school and receive two meals a day for 15 weeks!

I am not ashamed to say that we had a praise party when we found out! What an amazing blessing to be a part of such a worthy cause!

Let Them Praise His Name with Dancing.....

I had a pretty awful attitude last night. I was tired and Toby was heading out for a meeting at our son's school. Usually my husband is a big help in getting Eliza and Sophia ready for bed. He loves to play with them and it's so sweet to see them get some special "Daddy" time. With Toby being gone last night that meant the entire bedtime routine was up to me. Most of the time I am happy to do it and spend some special time with the littles, but last night I was grumpy about it. It was a sad sight indeed. Right in front of me were two little ones playing and being silly and all I could think of was how quickly could I get them to bed and get a break.

After the toys had been picked up the living room was in a state that is rare these days....empty floor space. It was then that it happened. I found myself in an all out dance party praising God for removing my Shackles which lead to dancing and singing about His Victory in my life. There we were, myself and my three youngest tearing it up as best we could to some of our favorite songs and singing with all the pitch problems we could muster.

What a joy to be able to praise the One who doesn't care if I'm singing on key or dancing on the right beat! I'm so thankful for music inspired by Him...just what I needed to remind me how blessed I am!

P.S. If you click on the words Shackles and Victory you can hear what we were dancing to. :)

Bringing in the Year of the Dragon

Every Chinese New Year we try to find special ways to celebrate and show Eliza how rich the culture of her birth country is. This year we went to the local Chinese garden where we were able to see a Dragon dance, make paper lanterns, and watch Chinese calligraphy demonstrations. It really was sweet to see how curious Eliza was about it all. It is such a small way for us to teach her about China and pales in comparison to what she would experience if she were there but hopefully marking the occasion will help her to see how special she is. Plus, what a blessing for us to get to learn about China along with her!

"I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; wonderful are Your works, and my soul knows it very well." Psalm 139:14

amazing

this girl



happily playing



with her sister




amazing

Hats for Adami Tulu

Every year the school Emma & Faith attend raises money for a mission project. This year the school is partnering with Lifesong for Orphans to raise money for Adami Tulu school in Ethiopia. The focus is buying meals for the children who attend the school. Did you know that a mere 25 cents buys two meals for a child at the school? For many of the children this is the only nutritious food they will receive. Here is a link to the Adami Tulu Project.

We are VERY excited about the impact our little school can make in the lives of these children. To help with fundraising I have knitted some items I'm selling. Here is a link to my new Etsy store where you can buy the items:
dlightfulcreations




This adorable hat is made with some super soft yarn from Knit Picks. It can be yours for $15. That adds up to 60 kids receiving 2 meals--120 meals!!!.





This cute coordinating hat and scarf set is knitted with 25% wool, 75% acrylic yarn. The scarf is 4.5" x 65". The set can be yours for $30. That's 120 kids receiving 2 meals--240 meals!!!

Melkam Gena!

Melkam Gena! January 7th in Ethiopia is Ethiopian Christmas, Gena. With the time difference that's today. Hopefully we will be able to teach Sophia about the traditions surrounding Gena and she will grow up proud of her heritage. This year we are having a delayed celebration next weekend with some good Ethiopian food and even better friends. In Ethiopia, Sophia's birth mother is celebrating today. Melkam Gena to the you, sweet & brave woman. We love you!

Happy New Year!

This past year has been full of amazing adventures and blessings for our family. Two trips to Ethiopia that changed our hearts forever, bringing home our precious baby girl, and seeing our kids go to school for the first time in 3 years are just a few of the changes we saw in our family. It's been a year that will be hard to top!

Can't wait to see what God has in store for us in 2012!

Happy New Year everyone!

Merry Christmas!!!

Hope you had a wonderful Christmas full of magical moments!

Enjoying our First Christmas with Sophia

Just before Thanksgiving Eliza said something that summed up what we were all anticipating this year.

"It's Sophia's first Christmas home! She's going to see our pretty tree, and open presents, and eat good food! It's going to be so fun!"

It's been fun seeing it all through Sophia's eyes and watching the other kids watch her reaction. I'm pretty sure she thought we were a little nuts when we brought a tree in the house. Not to mention the cold weather she endured to pick it out. Now she ventures over to the decorated tree and slowly puts out her finger when she thinks no one is looking.



We have an animated reindeer named Rhonda that plays music when someone makes a loud noise. I have never heard it go off as much as I have this year. Our sweet girl is so full of life and when she and Eliza get going--it is so entertaining! You should see them get out all of my Hallmark snowmen (I have around ten) and set them all off.



This year Emma & Faith were in the Nutcracker Ballet and their school Christmas play. It was so fun to watch them perform. Eliza was so very proud of her big sisters. She told them how beautiful they were with their stage makeup on and the look in her eyes was priceless. Sophia did great at the ballet. She watched the nutcracker so closely when he came to life. She was A LOT louder and animated at the play. The girl knows how to work a room!



God has blessed us so richly! It blows my mind to think what we would have missed if we had let our fears win out and had given up on bringing Eliza and Sophia home. The long wait for Eliza was hard and at times we wondered if God wanted us to keep waiting and last year, when we lost Savannah, we wondered if we should go back on the wait list for a baby. Every time doubt would creep in God would find a way to reassure us and He would use my stubborn streak to keep me going. I'm so glad He did. If you're reading this and you find yourself wondering and waiting, God will give you the grace you need. You can persevere and what He has waiting for you at the end of this trial is beautiful, priceless, a treasure worth waiting for.....

So Very Thankful....

It's been a year. A year since we sat down to Thanksgiving dinner. A year since we went out sale shopping for our baby girl, Savannah. A year since we bought the bedding, the high chair, the car seat, and the toys. A year since our baby girl died in Africa before we could ever hold her, kiss her, or tell her we love her. It's strange to me that we sat down, ate a wonderful and filling meal, and all the while the child we were dreaming of and praying for was gone.

I'm sad for us, for the siblings who love her and wanted to know her, and I'm sad for her birth mother who gave up her precious daughter in the hopes of setting her free from poverty only to have her die in a Care Center. I couldn't stop thinking about it today. We sat down to eat another filling and plentiful meal and all I could think of was that somewhere in Africa, someones child is dying. MY CHILD died in Africa.

I watched Sophia chowing down on mashed potatoes in the high chair we bought thinking Savannah would use it and I'm thankful. Thankful for the chance to love Savannah, thankful for the hard times that brought Sophia home to us, and thankful for a God WHO NEVER LETS ME WALK THROUGH THE HURT ALONE.

"You have turned for me my mourning into dancing; You have loosed my sackcloth and girded me with gladness, That my soul may sing praise to You and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give thanks to You forever." Psalm 30:11-12

Hearts Knitted Together

"Now it came about when he had finished speaking to Saul, that the soul of Jonathan was knit to the soul of David, and Jonathan loved him as himself." 1 Samuel 18:1

God could have chosen to have us all go through life without the need of a kindred spirit to share our hearts with, but He didn't. He made us to need each other. He made us with a heart for fellowship.

Not long after we started the adoption process for Sophia God did something amazing. He brought some very special women into my life. At the time I had no idea the connection we would have or the connection our kids would have.

Throughout the wait we rejoiced together, cried together, and understood each other and the toughness of it all without even having to say a word. We prayed, we ate, we laughed, and we shared our hearts. Two of these sweet friends were in Ethiopia when we found out Savannah was gone. I cannot tell you how soothing it was to my heart to know they were so close to where she was.

During our time of sorrow, I had no idea that God was joining our sweet Sophia's heart with her bestie, Davy. These two sweet girls have known each other since Davy was just a few days old. When we were in Ethiopia, visiting Sophia, we brought Davy a toy from her Momma. It was during this time that the nannies told us Sophia and Davy were best friends. The nannies were so excited to know that the girls would live so close to each other.

On my last birthday Davy's Momma gave me some yarn she had spun herself. A few weeks ago I finished a scarf I made with that yarn. The whole time I was working on it I could not help but think about how God knits hearts together. I love these women and I'm so thankful for God's knitting.