Saturday, November 23, 2013

Resting in the Arms of My Father

This past weekend I found myself sitting in a plastic chair in the midst of 104 adoptive and foster mommas, some I knew and most I didn't, having a talk with God that has been overdue for years.  I have been telling myself for a long time that the anger I was holding onto in my heart was not directed at the God I love and trust but at the sin that causes the hurts I don't understand.  I had been lying to myself. 

During one of the worship sessions at the retreat I was attending there was a time of "getting right with God".  I can't remember what song was playing during this time but what I do remember is what God spoke into my heart. 

God:  Are we going to talk about this?  It's time to let it go, Amy.  You've been angry with me long enough.

Me:  I know.  I was hoping you hadn't noticed.  It's been in the way of us, hasn't it?  I just don't understand.  You could have protected them.  They didn't have to lose all they could have been.  You could have saved them from the hurt.

God:  I am protecting them.

Me:  But why did you let the sin in this world hurt them?  It's not right.  They didn't have any part in it and they suffered because of it. 

God:  "I know the plans I have for them.  Plans to prosper them and not to harm them, plans to give them hope and a future."

Me:  I believe that, Lord.  I really do.  I just hate the sin so much.

God:  Did you forget?  You are angry with me for letting sin hurt the innocent, yet YOUR SIN IS PART OF THAT TOO.

Me:  Oh Lord, I did forget.  I'm so sorry.  Please forgive me.  It's just so much easier to blame others than to look at myself.

God:  I know you want to see justice.  I will vindicate the orphan and the oppressed.  I promise. 

Me:  I'm hanging onto that, Lord.  Thank you.

God:  There's one more thing I want you to remember.

Me:  (deep breath)

God:  When I went to the cross and died for your sin, I died for them too.  Even the ones who hurt the innocent.  I love them all.

I sat in that chair and cried so many tears that had been waiting for years to be shed.  I felt like I had just climbed up into the lap of God and was being rocked like a baby.  There was a huge weight on me I didn't even know was there until it was gone.  It was SO HEAVY.  I've been all about comforting and healing my girls and I forgot to let God do that for me.  I had let my anger get in the way. 

I don't know that I will ever understand why God allows bad thing to happen.  Not fully.  There are moments when I doubt and wonder "why Lord?" when I think about the loss of Savannah.  Why did You give her birth mother the courage to give her away for a better life and then allow her to die?  Toby & I, our kids, none of us understand totally why we didn't get to bring her home to us.  The truth is that she is living a fuller life than any of us in heaven and when we get there we will too.

I learned a new song that spoke to the hurt I had been carrying.  This part of it especially:

          And You are good, God
          For You are good to me
And when I don't understand
I will choose You
And when I don't understand
I will choose to love You, God
For me it's as simple and as hard as that.  To choose Him.  To choose love.  Especially when I don't understand.

(Here is the full version of  I Breathe You In by Katie and Bryan Torwalt if you'd like to hear the whole song.)


LivingforGod said...

It feels great to let go and rest in the arms of our Heavenly Father, doesn't it? Glad you and God had that "talk" :)!

"God is too wise to be mistaken. God is too good to be unkind. When you can't trace His hand, that's when you must learn to trust His heart." ~Charles H. Spurgeon

ida said...

amy-I love you. I love your heart! blessings
aunt ida