Resting in the Arms of My Father

This past weekend I found myself sitting in a plastic chair in the midst of 104 adoptive and foster mommas, some I knew and most I didn't, having a talk with God that has been overdue for years.  I have been telling myself for a long time that the anger I was holding onto in my heart was not directed at the God I love and trust but at the sin that causes the hurts I don't understand.  I had been lying to myself. 

During one of the worship sessions at the retreat I was attending there was a time of "getting right with God".  I can't remember what song was playing during this time but what I do remember is what God spoke into my heart. 

God:  Are we going to talk about this?  It's time to let it go, Amy.  You've been angry with me long enough.

Me:  I know.  I was hoping you hadn't noticed.  It's been in the way of us, hasn't it?  I just don't understand.  You could have protected them.  They didn't have to lose all they could have been.  You could have saved them from the hurt.

God:  I am protecting them.

Me:  But why did you let the sin in this world hurt them?  It's not right.  They didn't have any part in it and they suffered because of it. 

God:  "I know the plans I have for them.  Plans to prosper them and not to harm them, plans to give them hope and a future."

Me:  I believe that, Lord.  I really do.  I just hate the sin so much.

God:  Did you forget?  You are angry with me for letting sin hurt the innocent, yet YOUR SIN IS PART OF THAT TOO.

Me:  Oh Lord, I did forget.  I'm so sorry.  Please forgive me.  It's just so much easier to blame others than to look at myself.

God:  I know you want to see justice.  I will vindicate the orphan and the oppressed.  I promise. 

Me:  I'm hanging onto that, Lord.  Thank you.

God:  There's one more thing I want you to remember.

Me:  (deep breath)

God:  When I went to the cross and died for your sin, I died for them too.  Even the ones who hurt the innocent.  I love them all.

I sat in that chair and cried so many tears that had been waiting for years to be shed.  I felt like I had just climbed up into the lap of God and was being rocked like a baby.  There was a huge weight on me I didn't even know was there until it was gone.  It was SO HEAVY.  I've been all about comforting and healing my girls and I forgot to let God do that for me.  I had let my anger get in the way. 

I don't know that I will ever understand why God allows bad thing to happen.  Not fully.  There are moments when I doubt and wonder "why Lord?" when I think about the loss of Savannah.  Why did You give her birth mother the courage to give her away for a better life and then allow her to die?  Toby & I, our kids, none of us understand totally why we didn't get to bring her home to us.  The truth is that she is living a fuller life than any of us in heaven and when we get there we will too.

I learned a new song that spoke to the hurt I had been carrying.  This part of it especially:

          And You are good, God
          For You are good to me

And when I don't understand
I will choose You
And when I don't understand
I will choose to love You, God

For me it's as simple and as hard as that.  To choose Him.  To choose love.  Especially when I don't understand.

(Here is the full version of  I Breathe You In by Katie and Bryan Torwalt if you'd like to hear the whole song.)